I've been saving up buckets of leeway for "Indiana Jones and the
Kingdom of the Crystal Light Skull." I'm enough of an Indy nerd that if
I show up with criticism on my mind, I'll find plenty to hate. My only
options are to skip this one completely or zero out my expectations and
happily wolf down whatever I get.
Considering a Raiders clip popping up on Muppet Babies was once enough to bring joy to my heart, it shouldn't be too hard to satisfy me. But there are some scenarios that would burn through my leeway store pretty quickly.
Namely:
Indiana Jones and the CGI Shenanigans
I've read encouraging accounts of Ford and Spielberg slapping the computer out of Lucas' hands, but this being a Lucasfilm joint, there's a fair chance some "wizardry" will still creep in. Well-crafted, necessary special effects or crowd/building enhancement are fine and dandy. But I don't want to see anything that stands out as the product of ILM, Class of 2008
My biggest concern -- aside from a Jabba cameo -- is a flashback featuring a CGI 35-year-old Indy. The digitally spry Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen in "X-Men: The Last Stand" weren't as horrible a the zombified digital Orville Redenbacher, but youngifying technology has a long way to go yet.
I'd also be displeased if there were any reason for a scene with a younger Indy, such as...
Indiana Jones and the Past Twenty Years
I do not want to know all about what everybody's been up to since the Last Crusade. One of the most wonderful things about the series is the adventure serial sense that there are countless off-screen adventures, which are potentially even more awesome than what you're watching. And there's no reason to talk much about all the other adventures, because each could be some other movie. Temple of Doom occurs before Raiders, but you'd only know that by comparing the date captions. Each adventure stands alone.
Indiana Jones and the Famous Indiana Jones
I'd also hate to find out that in the past 20 years, Indy's adventures gained him fame beyond the tight-knit fortune-and-glory community. Mainly, I'm not interested in Indy grappling with his own legacy as a theme.
I know this one seems awfully specific. It only occurs to me because I imagine Spielberg, Lucas and Ford have wrestled with such things and might spew it all over the screen.
Indiana Jones and the Old Indiana Jones
For that matter, I'd rather no see Indy grapple with any sort of aging crisis at all.
I've been a staunch opponent of the "Harrison Ford is too old to play Indy" position. I never thought Indy was the sort of hero that needed to be any particular age. In fact, that's integral to the whole idea -- he gets by mainly on hard work and thinkin', not on youthful prowess.
So, I'd rather the movie didn't make a big deal about his old-manness, at least not to the point of it being a central theme. And I really wouldn't like the idea of the story being "one last adventure." To me, the potentially wonderful thing about the new Indy movie is the idea that the guy just keeps adventuring his whole life. This is a highly worthy theme.
And of course, taking the "one last adventure" notion to its furthest extent would realllly bug me, which is why I fear...
Indiana Jones and the Dead Indiana Jones
For one thing, 95-year-old Indy already showed up in The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, so we nerds would never stand for 60-something Indy kicking the bucket. For another thing, that sort of plot turn would be counter to the whole spirit of the films. A series of continuing adventures shouldn't have a hard stop.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of In-Jokes and Anachronisms
One of the most infuriating things in the Phantom Menace -- on par with Jar Jar, even -- was the schticky Greg Proops two-headed pod race commentator monster thing. Specifically, this little jokey-joke: "I don't care what galaxy you're from, that's gotta hurt!"
So, the inhabitants of the StarWarsverse know that they're in a sci-fi series? And they use catch phrases that come from a long time in the future, in a galaxy far, far away?
Here's hoping the guys resist the opportunity to pander to casual fans with jokes from modern times, references to other Spielberg/Lucas/Ford projects or yuck-yucks about waiting a long time between adventures. That flies in Oceans 11 movies, but not here.
Indiana Jones and the Visit to Present Day
In the years leading up to the Star Wars prequels, I had a recurring nightmare that the new movie was all about Luke and the gang showing up in 1990s America, where hilarity ensued, Star-Trek-IV-style.
If aliens pick up Indy and drop him into a world of Starbucks and American Idol, I'm driving straight home for the torches and pitchforks and heading to San Francisco.
I know this is highly, highly unlikely. But there's just enough supernaturalness and Lucasness involved that I won't feel completely safe until the credits roll.
But all that far-fetched worry aside, I'm as giddy as can be. I want to see it opened as well as you. We are simply passing through history. This is history.
Do as you will.
What's holding you back from your dream job?
Submitted by Question of the Day.
Low midichlorian count
What would you attempt to do if you knew you could never fail?
Submitted by BeckyPink.
Buy winning lottery tickets.
According to a sobering article I saw a link to while checking my e-mail, "even a T-rex could have outrun most athletes, scientist have found." This is how I get to begin my day? Finding out that one of my two strategies for escaping a T-rex (the other is standing perfectly still) has been slapped to the ground by science? If David Beckham, the example used by the scientists, couldn't escape the clutches of a T-rex, what chance do I have?
I suppose if David Beckham were with his wife, Posh Spice, who probably can't run for more that a few seconds, then maybe he could escape since she would get eaten first. I don't think there has been any studies yet about whether dinosaurs got cramps when they exercised too soon after eating, but I think they wouldn't want to risk it.
So, new strategy, if I am with someone that can't run as fast as me (children, the elderly), then I'll book it best I can. If not, I'll need to stand perfectly still. I can also feel comforted by the fact that the T-rex can't run faster than a car, and that we don't really have any T-rexes in Georgia.
Who would you like to trade places with for one day and why?
Submitted by Nathalie.
William Henry Gates III.
I would order my minions to make Microsoft Word good, then rewrite my will so all my money goes to an affable 30-year-old Atlantan, and then die.
What was the last wedding you went to? Were you in the wedding?
It was in June, my sister's wedding. I was the Matron of Honor. I had to wear a bridesmaid dress and I literally could not remember the last time I had worn a dress or skirt before then. I think it had been about 2 years. So, needless to say, weddings and dressing up are not my thing. I am usually wearing jeans and smell like dogs.
What was your favorite road-trip of all time?
Submitted by bodhibound.
A tie - as recently related in this space but probably missed by everyone due to Vox's weird habit of listing everything on the date they're started instead of the date they're actually posted:
http://doctorzon.vox.com/library/post/the-tripof-it.html
What was your favorite road-trip of all time?
Submitted by bodhibound.
The most spontaneous and rewarding road trip I ever went on was when Tom and I drove to Florida to rescue our foster dog that had gotten loose from his new adopter. Ed doesn't just come when called, he only approaches people (people he knows) if he feels like it. His adopter couldn't get him so we had to drive down hoping the novelty of seeing us would be enough for him to approach us. We drove for 10 hours and it took us 10 seconds to get him (he had settled under a palm tree at the house his adopter was staying).
Then, we stayed in a hotel that night, and when he was acting like he pulled something off without a hitch, we realized we had totally been snookered.
When was the last time you felt butterflies in your stomach?
This would be yesterday at adoptions when I almost found myself in a fight with an insane person. After the situation was diffused I had butterflies in my stomach, hands, head, etc. Nothing quite sends you into a controlled panic like being cornered by crazy.
Who is your favorite wizard of all time?
My first reaction was Michael Jordan, but he never should have been a wizard. So I guess I have to say Rip Hamilton. Because his name is Rip.
